He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
