proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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