found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize