I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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