Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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