we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
