i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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