apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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