I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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