Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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