I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
