I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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