things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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