Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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