come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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