I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
