I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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