There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
