eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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