It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
