i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
