Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
