So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
