my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i've created a new STD.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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