When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
