i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
