I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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