Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
