So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
