On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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