How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
