i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
