I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
