C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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