Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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