wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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