My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize