You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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