Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
