So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
