dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
