I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
