The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
