i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
