I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize