i wish starbucks made bloody marys
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
