i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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