I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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