she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
