mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
