I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
