Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
