I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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