i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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