Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
