What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
