Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
How external is "for external use only"?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
