after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
