I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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