Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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