just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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