apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
