im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I looked at my own cervix.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize