White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
