P.S. I can't hear my feet
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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