remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
