My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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