If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
