is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
