I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize