recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
