i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My balls are so social today.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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